I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
