WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
