Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
