my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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