I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
