There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
