Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
