She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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