even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
