really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
