Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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