I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
