forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
