help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize