I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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