well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
