my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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