I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
