I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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