if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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