Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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