clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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