saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
