I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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