i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why did my mother make you get naked?
dude. I can hear the air.
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