We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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