omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
