alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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