I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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