U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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