if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize