everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
