So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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