Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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