I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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