ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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