My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
