Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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