someone get that fucking seahorse.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
