Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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