I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
