census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
