Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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