I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
