Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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