He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
