There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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