I think I won the penis lottery.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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