Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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