a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
