god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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