On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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