like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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