My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
