I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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