Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
