I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
