Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
