Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
