I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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