I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
