Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Your dad touched me again.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
