White coat. Heels.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
